June 4, 2014

How I Met Your Mother

April 7, 2014

- contains spoilers. if you still plan to watch the series till the end, i suggest you skip this post -


The ending hit me hard.  I hated that Ted ended up with Robin.  After all, the show spent an entire season making us fall in love with the mother.  She was fun and imperfectly perfect.  She and Ted had the whole "meant to be", connect-the-dots vibe.  Now every relationship of mine will have to compare to that train station yellow umbrella moment.

Then they killed her.

Still in denial, I scoured the internet for people who might've shared my dismay.  I was met with satisfaction that I was not the only one who wasn't too fond of the ending.  However, one commenter was right.  Ted wasn't Tracy's "The One."  That guy died too.

This puts "fate" in question.  Ted's ultimate fate was Robin.  It was determined by the writers from the very beginning when they sat the show's "kids" down and had them sign a non-disclosure contract.  Telling them afterwards that the mother was already dead.

That is FATE.  We will meet a lot of people. Some, we will love more than others but there is still that one person who is fated for us.  Written by the supreme being and His universe.

You were my figurative Tracy.  You were my love story.  Ice scramble was the yellow umbrella.  The drawing I made of me who ended up looking like you was also an umbrella.  The exact moment I first saw you thinking I've known you from somewhere was an umbrella.  We had a lot of umbrellas of different shapes and colors. They brought us together.  But sadly, you too had to die (not literally of course).

I believe that there is still someone out there for me.  I believe that one day, you will meet yours too. 

It is sad that this blog outlasted any other love I've had.  But someday, I know, this book will close too.  I will write a new one and finally connect all the lone dots in my life.

April 5, 2014


"Linger by the Cranberries played.  Linger has the power of making me fall in love, over and over again.  And I think, I just did. Today.  I fell in love again.  My freedom went out the door and in one fell swoop, I was once again a prisoner.  

The ride home was like a dramatic montage from a movie.  Love songs played on the radio as we sat on both ends of the backseat.  Our hands met in the middle of the seat, nearly touching.  It took all the courage I had to keep myself from reaching over.  My eyes welled up in tears.  I fervently hoped that none would fall as it would definitely be difficult to explain.  

I wanted to say something but held back.  We parted.  And I was never the same."

~ The Big Brown Journal, 2014

In an alternate universe, I would've said something.  It felt so foreign. To be brimming with emotions yet choosing not to do anything about it.

Just because you can and just because you want to, it doesn't mean that you should.

March 23, 2014


The one person 
who knows so much about you
is also the one person 
nobody knows about.

January 19, 2014

Middle Ground

People began lining up, a certain mob of faceless individuals pushed and shoved their way to the front.  A handful decided it would be best to stay at the back. Another group strategically dispersed themselves in the crowd.  I was neither early nor late. I didn't elbow my way to the front but I didn't let myself get run over by the crowd.  I found myself right smack in the middle of everything.

Then it began.

He showered the early risers with with good looks and great genes.  He blessed the people at the back with wit and skill.  He sent a handful of people charisma and creativity.  Somewhere deep in the middle of the crowd, I stood.  I was there with eager eyes and a calm and hopeful smile.  My time would come.

I was waiting for my shining moment.  Some of the blessings grazed me, but none was thrown directly my way.  So I waited... and waited.

Then He rested.

As everyone was leaving, I looked up and still waited.  With puppy dog eyes, I waited.  The lights went out and I was the only one standing there, still patiently waiting for something, anything.

Despondent, I looked around and realized that I was the only one left.  Everyone's gone home.  Some were content and other people simply gave up.   That's when I realized that I was given patience and endurance.  He gave me insight and trained me to be observant.

I could've gotten a lot more but I am thankful for the gifts I was given.

We can't have everything but I believe that the universe is always in balance.  It's just a matter of perspective.

January 11, 2014

The LOVE Story

The love you want

At some point, most of would think that life could be a fairytale.  That ove would come unexpectedly. That there is one person destined for us and that we would meet them at the perfect time and circumstance.  Maybe it wouldn't be perfect at first but when all the loose ends get together we would realize that it is "fate."

As I grew older, I fell into the deadly web of lies those romantic movies lay out. Girl hates boy, boy pursues girl, girl declines, boy pushes further and after a whirlwind of seemingly endless chases, boy gets girl. Happily ever after.

Never happened.

I have wanted to love for the sake of loving. I have wanted someone because I was truly and insanely in love with them. I have loved because I was lonely and I have loved because it felt like it was the only thing left to do. You see, no matter how horrible the relationship is, I will always choose to stay. That's how I was created. I will always choose to love than the alternative.

Unfortunately, this is rather double edged.  For what we want is not often what is good for us. Which brings me to my second point.

The love you need
While we can love all we want, our subconscious (and friends) will always pry our eyes open to the painful reality that it may not be good for us.  What we want may not always be what we need.

I have loved wholeheartedly. I have loved unconditionally.   I am one of those cocky asses who will look you straight in the eye and say that no one's ever gonna love you like i do. And i will believe it. It's the most love you will ever get, but it may not be what you need and it may not be what I need either.  Remember, needing something so badly does not necessarily mean it will be...

The love you get
Then there are those less than perfect stories. No fireworks, no feeling it in your fingers and toes. It may often feel like a conscious choice than magic.  But for some reason, the relationship works.  We may have someone who does not fit the profile we had in mind nor do we get someone who loves us as much as we do them.  We may not deserve it, we may not want it but it is what we get.

I know it is all anticlimactic but this is where what I believe "true love" comes in.  We make a decision.  Do we let go of the imperfect person in search for someone better or do we finally decide that what we've got is exactly what we needed and is, after all, what we wanted all along?

November 25, 2013

A year from last year

Not much.  As a response to the recurring question, what would happen in a year.

And to answer the more specific nonsense queries I had then:

Who would I be with a year from now?
- Sherlock Holmes
Would we still be in speaking terms?
- gladly so, methinks,
When I think of you, would I get butterflies in my stomach or just a bitter aftertaste of black bile at the back of my throat?
- just the sour aftertaste of grilled chicken and green beans with home-made vinaigrette.
Would I hate you, would I love you still?
- I won't glorify that question with an answer.

That proved to be very uneventful. So in addition to the previous questions, in a year:

What size of jeans would I fit in?
Where would I be, career wise?
How much would my bank account hold? As a reflection of my management skills.
What would I be thankful for?
What would be the greatest change in my year?

November 12, 2013


It's like a well I hesitantly walk around at daytime and willingly fall into at night.

October 31, 2013


It's one thing to do your job,
It's a whole new other thing to do it well.
What differentiates the good from the really good is the amount of effort and dedication one puts into his work.

October 10, 2013


Caught between remembering and forgetting.

October 7, 2013

October 1, 2013


I often said that you would only REALLY love once. You would only cry so much ONCE. For ONE person.  After that ONE person, you'd still tear up, wail a little bit but it wouldn't match the ocean of tears you lost for that ONE.

Then I realized that crying is not a good measure of love or pain.  The reason you only cried SO MUCH once is not because you only truly loved once. It's because experience taught you that no matter how much you cry, no amount of tears can bring the love you LOST back.

September 19, 2013

Wrecking Ball

"I just never met anyone who shook the earth for me. " It's a lame quote from someone I really do not care about. But it reminded me of all the people in my past.  I've met all sorts of people: some passed by like fart with no impact whatsoever and others have left darker shittier marks that were difficult to "wash" off.

You, on the other hand, are different from everyone else.

You were the first one who really shook my universe.

September 3, 2013


I had my mind set up for the day. I hated you. You ruined everything that was good in me. You doused my flaming spirit with your indifference and choked me with your cold barren heart.

Then I left for Batangas for a cleft mission. We passed by an area I used to pass through 2 years ago. Aboard a jeepney, my lungs filled with smoke, the heat of the sun blasting through my skin. Tiring as it was, I remember smiling all throughout the ride. I was on my way to you and nothing felt better than that.

I hate myself for being so nostalgic and forgetful at the same time. I remember all the wonderful things and I forget all the hurtful ones.

I forget that there's no more sense in hitting myself over it. 

Yet, although I try not to, I still remember you.

August 31, 2013

Fail Day

I seem to have an unusual affinity towards hitting stationary objects.  Sure, it makes up a really lame anecdote I can share with friends, but it dampens my spirit.

I've been down lately, something is not quite right. I seem to be continuously failing in my endeavors.  Maybe, that's the reason I'm afraid of trying too hard.  If I fail, I think it's a direct reflection of who I am as a person.

There are a lot of things going on lately.  I put my heart into something and I get slammed almost immediately.  I find myself doing the walk of shame more frequently.  I guess I'm just not that driven anymore.  An unfathomable vacuum sucked all my spirit out and I am now a mere puppet.  I am maneuvered by my surroundings and I allow it to happen.  It's easier to have something else to blame than to accept the fact that I am a big blob of failure.

Things will get better soon.  Maybe I just need someone to vent out to.  This blog has always been there for me. No judgments, I guess.